


A Warmth That Breaks

by moomkin



Series: Kallus is my homeboy [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Soft and Fluffy, Survivor Guilt, The Honorable Ones, angst but a happy ending, cold leads to cuddling, cuddling leads to warm softs, fuzzy feelings leads to love, warm softs leads to fuzzy feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-26 00:25:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14988764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moomkin/pseuds/moomkin
Summary: Kallus and Zeb take refuge in a cave once they've made it to the surface on Geonosis' ice moon. As Kallus starts to sucumb to the extreme cold, his desperation leads him to accept a warm embrace from his former enemy. Vulnerability leads to some discussions about family and the difficulty of healing after trauma.Mid-The Honorable Ones.An entry for Jun_C's Kalluzeb fanbook.





	A Warmth That Breaks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jun_c](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jun_c/gifts).



Alexsandr Kallus was going to die.

Not that he was bothered by it much. Kallus knew his day would come. He’d been living on borrowed time since Onderon. Miraculously surviving ordeal after ordeal. Trials that would have killed a lesser man.

He didn’t think it was all to bring him to this moon. To die in the cold. Freezing to death.

In the arms of a Lasat, no less.

Kallus thought his condition would improve once he escaped the ice cave. He greatly underestimated his circumstances. The cold was far more severe above ground, and his fractured leg was chipping away at his resiliency. Finding shelter kept the wind from piercing so painfully, but there was no escaping the temperature.

When Garazeb gestured for him to get closer, it raised red flags but couldn’t deter him. In his state, the will to survive drove Kallus to accept such help. It was probably not going to be enough, Kallus slowly realized. Even with the meteorite tucked securely against his chest, with giant, massive, warm arms around him, he could not stop shivering.

Kallus thought he knew what it meant to be cold. He had no idea how deeply it could sink in. The shivers had gone beneath the skin, the simple surface shivers–what Kallus had once assumed all shivering could be – and seeped into his deep muscles. Those shivers hurt. It shook his entire body. Took root in his bones. 

His jaw trembled beyond his control, so erratically he was afraid he’d bite his tongue. The warmth of the meteorite was there in his chest… The warmth should have spread. It didn’t. His legs cramped so agonizingly he kicked out every minute or so, as though trying to shake the pain out of them.

The only upside? The freezing managed to numb the throbbing of his fractured leg. But the cold metal of his bo-rifle bit through the fabric of his pants and… 

Kallus didn’t want to complain. It felt wrong. He didn’t want to say thanks. That felt awkward.

But if he survived everything the galaxy had to throw at him only to reach this point, there had to be a reason.

And it was probably to say something.

“Why are you doing this?”

Kallus could feel the response – warm breath on his neck, the movement of Zeb’s mouth against his skin. It sent shivers down his spine. Not ones of terror… the kind of shivers that let him relax. That word didn’t express it well enough. _Melt?_ That caught him off guard more than the situation. He was truly losing it.

“You changed your mind on wanting to live?” The answer was gruff. Almost offended. It was actually kind of endearing.

“You said so yourself,” Kallus reminded Zeb. “You only want me to live long enough so we can finish our fight. _Fair and square._ ”

The answer was long in coming. “I don’t want to kill you.”

“Really?” Kallus had to try _very_ hard to make his sarcasm sound believable. He fell silent, trying to put the cold out of his mind to think of a good follow-up. Zeb beat him to it, though.

“You didn’t kill me.”

“Maybe because you bested me--”

“Don’t get all obstinate, Agent,” Zeb growled. “You know what I’m talking about. You had the bo-rifle pointed at me. You had the transponder. You had the meteorite. There was no reason for you not to take that shot.”

_Ah. So he noticed that, too._

“It’s…” Kallus’s mind flickered through a hundred possible responses. None would make sense.

“You admitted what you did on Lasan,” Zeb said. “You admitted taking credit for it was wrong--”

“I never apologized.”

“Not in so many words,” Zeb said. “But you did. In your own way. I say that finished our fight.”

Kallus nodded. His eyes opened in alarm. Zeb was only drawing him closer, wrapping those massive arms around him tighter. It sent a thrill through him. A desire to live that had nothing to do with avenging his fallen friends… 

“Did I….” Kallus started. He hesitated. _You reached this moment for a reason._ “Did you have a family? On Lasan?”

“Yeah,” Zeb answered. “But I told you. I’ve moved on.”

“Children? Married?”

Zeb huffed. Accepting that Kallus would not let it go. Perhaps realizing that this was part of Kallus’s “own way” of apologizing.

“No,” Zeb said. “I’m not….” There was a very long pause, as if he debated saying something but decided against it. “No, just… parents. Siblings.”

“I killed them, didn’t I?”

Another long pause. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Your entire family--”

“My crew is my family now.” 

“That’s not the same.”

“It is when you’re a Lasat.” Zeb paused, as though expecting Kallus to argue with it. The silence lingered. “What about you, Agent? You a family man?”

Kallus forced out a laugh. It could have been mistaken for a cough. “Like you. Just parents. We… don’t talk much anymore. After Lasan. They-” He struggled to find the right words. Talking about this – after everything Zeb had lost – felt pathetically self-centered in comparison. “They couldn’t understand why I didn’t get any better.”

“Better?”

The sting hit harder and deeper than the frozen metal against his leg.

Zeb had already forgotten what Kallus told him about Onderon. More surprising, or alarming, was how badly that hurt him. He wanted Zeb to remember. He wanted him to understand. He wanted his story to _matter_ to Zeb. Kallus winced despite himself, turning his head away. The warmth he thought he received suddenly felt empty. 

But he couldn’t possibly say that. _Redirect._

“You don’t have to keep calling me ‘agent.’ It’s Alexsandr.”

“Ah, so we’re friends now?”

Kallus cringed. He immediately regretted it. Zeb could feel it. And it was highly unlikely Zeb would be convinced if Kallus said it was because of the pain.

“I don’t have friends.”

“No? With your winning personality?”

A tease. He didn’t understand.

“I _can’t_ have friends.”

“What’re you--”

Kallus could feel himself on the edge… the edge he’d been balancing on since Onderon. One false step here… and he’d be lost. Falling with no telling what would happen. _Step back._ Keeping himself from going over. It was safe. It was painful. Lonely. It hurt, but safety was worth it. Always had been. It was the price he had to pay, _deserved_ to pay-  
-that nagging thought crept back in. Kallus had survived everything the galaxy could throw at him. Things that would have killed a lesser man. To reach this moment.

He had to let go.

“Don’t you understand? I _can’t._ They’ll die.” He reached a hand up to grab his hair, tightening a fist around it. “I’ll… let them down. When they need me most, I’ll…”

Kallus trailed off. Not wanting to make it _real_ by saying it. 

“On Onderon,” Zeb filled in. “You said you couldn’t move.”

A soft warmth spread through Kallus’s chest. He remembered.

“Not that you were hurt. Or paralyzed. But that you couldn’t.”

“I shut down,” Kallus admitted. “They said it was shock. I couldn’t process what I was seeing… I’d been knocked unconscious. My brain just told my body to stay down.”

The Lasat said nothing.

“You understand, though,” Kallus pressed on. His voice barely above a whisper. “You know what it’s like to watch the people closest to you die, to be helpless to save them from a monster you can’t stop.”

Kallus waited with anticipation. One he didn’t know he would have. The skin of his neck prickled in expectation. To be warmed with the breath of Zeb’s words… to tingle with the movement of his lips. Maybe he was growing delirious, but Kallus leaned his head back, exposing more neck. And perhaps he misinterpreted it. After such a statement, it was delusional to even imagine it as such – but Kallus could have _sworn_ the Lasat nuzzled into him.

“Alright. Settles it. I’ll be your friend.”

“ _What?_ ” Kallus said. “You… did you hear anything I just said? I’m a monster… I ordered the use of the disruptors that massacred your entire people, I--”

“Ah,” Zeb hushed him. “You don’t think you should be forgiven. And you’ll live the rest of your life hating yourself because that’ll make it right? Now listen, Alexsandr--  
“I was on Lasan.”

A shiver of dread shook Kallus, colder than the storm. 

“I was knocked out by the first blast,” Zeb continued. “I came to after the attack… I woke up to find myself on a world where everyone was already dead. I was alone. It took ages before a ship arrived.

“I know what it’s like to spend a lifetime thinking over the same few minutes. To wonder what you could have done differently. To analyze every action you took up to that point to see where you made the wrong step. To ask yourself why you couldn’t have done more. Why you survived.

“I know what it’s like to worry that you’ll make the same mistakes again. You’ll let someone else down if they get too close.”

“We’re not so different,” Kallus said.

The Lasat’s arms wrapped around him tighter. And, Kallus felt his heart rate climbing ever so slowly – Zeb wrapped one of his legs around Kallus’s. Entangling them further. Kallus whimpered a slight sigh at the way they were compressed. He felt… so _safe_. And accepted. In a way he’d never felt around anyone.

Even after all he’d said. All he confessed to.

“Does… the loneliness go away?” Kallus’s voice was a whisper.

“I told you. My crew is my family now.”

“Do you… suppose you’ll … ever try to start a _real_ family?”

Zeb moved microscopically at the human’s question. Kallus could feel his mouth on his neck… the way the muscles of his face contorted. It was… almost as though Zeb was smiling.

Kallus winced. _Stupid._ Zeb was alone, wasn’t he? One of the few remaining Lasat in the galaxy. Why he even thought to ask such a thoughtless question-

“Well, I always figured it was a lost cause,” Zeb answered, a low growl in his words. He was amused. “The Lasat believe each soul is split, so it depends on if I can find someone with a soul like mine. It’d have to be someone who… has gone through some of the same kind of things I have. Felt the same pain I’ve felt. The same kind of guilt. Probably someone who thinks they’re alone in all their suffering, kind of like I thought I was.”

Kallus lay very still. The expression on his face blank. Slowly, he shifted. Turning was difficult in the tangle of limbs, but he settled finally, facing Zeb. Resting his forehead on Zeb’s chest. Feeling the gentle rhythmic beating of an alien heart. One that had been torn apart. Much like his.

_A soul like mine._

Zeb’s arms tightened once more, drawing him close. A hand found its way to the back of his head, fingers combing softly through his hair, and Kallus closed his eyes, his last remaining barrier crumbling. 

Alexsandr Kallus always knew he was going to die.

He’d never considered it was so he could be reborn.


End file.
